My Cool Boyfriend Became a Dud Husband – The New Yorker
I fell for Garth at a back-yard barbecue in Brooklyn, in 2010. I was instantly attracted to his full beard, vintage hat, and shy confidence. I normally take it slow, but, on the day we met, Garth came home with me. And he never left.
But now the very same qualities that first drew me to him are turning out to be serious liabilities in our marriage! I’m sharing my story with you now in the hopes that you will learn from my mistakes. Here are five things I wish I’d known way earlier:
1. Your friends and family may know what’s right for you.
When I was starry-eyed in love, I ignored some important advice. When my closest confidantes asked, “Why rush into marriage?,” or, “No, but seriously, Karen, how are you?,” or, “Is this some kind of performance art?,” I should have listened instead of shutting them out.
2. There’s such a thing as too quiet.
In previous relationships, I felt like I could never get a word in edgewise! So what a relief it was when Garth would let me talk, uninterrupted, for hours on end about what matters to me. But I also wanted to know about his hopes and dreams. Making up a cartoon voice for him was fun for a while, but eventually it got old.
3. Bedroom stuff . . .
Real talk: we’ve all been with guys who get nervous and can’t perform. And others who are way too focussed on their own enjoyment. Not to be overly explicit here, but Garth is rigid 24/7 and made zero demands. Which was great. But I want him to experience pleasure, too, and it’s literally impossible when he never unbuckles that red coat.
4. Admit it—height matters.
I’m not shallow, I swear! It never bothered me that I’m way taller than Garth, even in flats. But it’s honestly really hard to dance or cuddle with him, and he’s not allowed on any rides at Six Flags Great Adventure. What I’m saying is that Garth is twenty-four inches tall.
5. It just comes down to this:
Don’t marry a garden gnome.