Donald J. Trump’s Extended Health Assessment, the Ten-Minute Version – The New Yorker
To Whom It May Concern:
My father, Dr. Jacob Bornstein (also known as Dad), treated Mr. Donald J. Trump’s father, Dr. Jacob Trump. And I have been the personal physician of Mr. Donald J. Trump since 1980, the year in which he was born. I know what you may be thinking: “Thirty-six? He doesn’t look that old.” But I, his doctor, can assure you that he looks thirty-six and not a day older (and not a day younger).
In the past thirty-six years, Mr. Trump not only has had zero medical problems but has even become my doctor from time to time. That is how much I trust his life style and his body’s conditions. His most recent medical examination showed only positive results (or should I say “negative results”—ha! ha!) for every disease known to man. His blood pressure, 120/80, is so ideal that doctors are now calling it “The Donald.”
Since 2014, Mr. Trump has been getting healthier and somehow younger in both looks and physique. That’s right—I’m talking the same two years that it’s taken for Hillary to age two whole years. Every day, Mr. Trump insists on taking his vitamins and minerals even though his body comes naturally packaged with enough of both to keep him going forever.
He has also, over the past two years, lost twenty-five pounds of what we in the medical field call “the bad stuff” (junk food and mental weakness). Meanwhile, he has gained forty-five pounds of “the good stuff” (muscle and the opposite of racism). This is an excellent weight for a human to be.
His physical strength and stamina are extraordinary. So much so that he was recently asked to compete in an Olympic track-and-field race, but instead he said, “That’s not the race that needs me right now,” then took an escalator down Trump Tower to announce his candidacy for President.
Mr. Trump has never had any surgery, big or small. He never even had baby teeth, because his body is not one to expel things from it. Each bone in his body is sturdy and cannot be broken, and never in his life has he had alcohol, tobacco, sugar, bread, rice, peanut butter, chocolate, or meat; he eats only the tops of broccoli. His hair is good.
When elected, Mr. Trump will unequivocally be the healthiest, strongest, tallest, youngest, and most handsome man elected to the Presidency.
Trust me: it says so in his medical records.
Real Doctor Harold N. Bornstein, “M.D.”
Sent from My Limo