McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Some Notes for My Child’s College Roommate.
Go ahead and choose whichever bed you want — Edwin needs to sleep in this adult-sized baby swing we had constructed for him. Just keep it on the lowest setting playing “Hush little baby, don’t say a word…” on repeat throughout the night. The timer runs out every 60 minutes so you’ll need to wake up every hour to press the button. Or maybe you could modify it to go all night — you’re an Engineering major, right?
Also, we are very concerned about plagiocephaly, so make sure he has a soft pillow and re-position his head from one side to the other every two hours throughout the night. And if he is really having trouble settling down you might need to wrap him tightly in a swaddle and give him his binky. Just be sure his arms are swaddled too — leaving them out only wakes him! If that doesn’t work, a shot of Jäger might do the trick.
Edwin is very particular about his food. We’ve tried a lot of different things to break him out of his picky eating habits, and found what works bests is if each of his meals are constructed from edible items shaped into famous world monuments (for example, an Eiffel Tower made from bacon). I’m guessing this won’t be hard for you — an architecture class or two is always part of the core curriculum, right? If he seems uninterested in eating your food creation, try making up a different name for it: “Edwin, don’t you want some of this tasty meat tower?” Or you can just airplane zoom it into his mouth. Also, it’s essential that you make sure there isn’t any sauce touching the monument when you serve it.
He is really doing pretty good with the potty, but be sure to always ask him if he has to go before you go out, especially if you are leaving a kegger or something. I put his little Elmo potty next to his shower caddy in the shared bathroom down the hall. If he doesn’t want to go, you can always bribe him with brownies. There are probably some special brownies college kids like these days, right? Or maybe you can try out the latest behavioral research from your psychology classes on him. To be honest with you, we are kind of out of ideas.
I see that you are starting to look a little concerned now, but it really shouldn’t be hard to be his roommate. He is also lots of fun! He likes doing things like building pillow forts and method acting the role of a puppy. Which reminds me, leaving a bowl of food inside a pillow fort might be another good way to get him to eat his dinner.
Well I think that’s it — if you have other questions you should be able to reach us at our hotel in Switzerland. We plan to sleep 12-15 hours a day and spend the rest of the time going to movies in the theater and eating at restaurants that don’t have slides inside them. But we will turn our cell phone on from time to time. Have a great semester!