McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Letters from the Front Lines of Donald Trump’s Social Media Team.

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Letters from the Front Lines of Donald Trump’s Social Media Team.

Dearest Cornelia,

It has been many days since my last letter. Alas, morale has dropped among my group of social media interns for the Trump campaign. Rations are low and news from the front has been most discomforting. Polls have been released showing that we are losing in the mountains of Colorado, the plains of Nevada, and the swamps of Florida. We lose ground daily and we turn to our leader for hope.

I pray that our farmstand is in good repair. I think often of you during the cold nights I spend awake tweeting out talking points and doing my best to stay on message. I hope I am serving you proud and setting an example for our sons, Zecheriah and Wilbert.

Your love,
August Ezekiel Kimball
Social Media Intern

– –
Dearest Cornelia,

Last night our leader declared battle, stating that our opponent, the loathsome and cowardly Hillary Clinton, was a cofounder of ISIS along with the scoundrel Barack Obama. We set to our duty, defending him and striking back at the failing media that criticizes him. Alas, he has declared his words sarcasm and now we are in full retreat. I am but a simple social media intern, trained to condense compelling campaign narratives into small tweetable chunks. It is not for I to question why the world is the way it is, but each day I pray.

I had told you I would be home for this year’s harvest, but I am needed at my post, crafting viral short-form content.

Your love,
August Ezekiel Kimball
Social Media Intern

– –
Dearest Cornelia,

We were paid in rubles this week. There was no explanation.

Your love,
August Ezekiel Kimball
Social Media Intern

– –
Dearest Cornelia,

Hope is scarce. We have sent out résumés, updated our LinkedIn profiles, but there is no escape. Pennsylvania is a lost cause. Our leader tells us we can still make bold gambits in enemy territory, but there are rumors among the men that our stronghold in Georgia weakens daily.

Our leader has suggested our opponent be shot should she win, which is most distressing since this is a political campaign and not an actual war.

We are outnumbered in the ground campaign and outspent. We had hoped to counter-attack with television ads, but none have come.

No help is coming. Our Twitter mentions are a morass of sarcastic liberal bon mots and overly excited white nationalists. It is carnage that I can never unsee.

Much of the damage to our cause has been self-inflicted, and dire times call for dire means. Last night the men snuck into the leader’s chambers and took his cell phone. It is our prayer to the Lord Almighty that we can keep it hidden and that he not be able to tweet us into defeat.

Your love,
August Ezekiel Kimball
Social Media Intern

– –
Dearest Cornelia,

He has found his cell phone. All is lost.

Tell our children I love them. I bless your next marriage and hope he is a good father to our boys.

Your love,
August Ezekiel Kimball
Social Media Intern

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/letters-from-the-front-lines-of-donald-trumps-social-media-team

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