How to Put Your Sëlf Together – The New Yorker
Congratulations on your exciting new Sëlf! Please follow the ikea-approved directions below to properly put your Sëlf together.
1. If you are reading this manual, it is because your previous two-person unit, Geurlfrūnd, has been recalled owing to improper maintenance. In order to assemble your new Sëlf, you must safely disconnect from your Geurlfrūnd. Unplug from all associated devices and avoid the use of extension cords.
2. Verify that all of your necessary parts are included and intact. Your contents may have shifted, especially in the midsection. This will be resolved once your Sëlf is up and running.
Note: Set aside the included screws for now, as you are not yet ready to screw. In fact, you may feel as though you never want to screw again. This is normal. You will be screwing quite a bit in just a few steps.
3. Next, prop your Sëlf up on its feet and examine it. Blemishes and discolorations are standard given the natural materials involved. Do not inspect your Sëlf too closely, or you will identify imperfections you did not even know were there.
4. You may find it difficult to hold your Sëlf up without help. We suggest having a friend lend you support. Leaving your Sëlf completely unattended during assembly can result in injury, error, or poetry.
5. It is now time to find space for your Sëlf. Do not place on soft surfaces, like a bed that contains memories, as this can cause leakage around the eyes.
Note: Keep your Sëlf away from materials that could increase eye leakage, such as the movie “Toy Story 3.” Your new Sëlf is fragile and does not need that right now.
6. Do not use any substances containing alcohol to cleanse your Sëlf at this time, as use of these may cause implosion.
7. It is now safe to begin servicing your Sëlf. Please note that excessive Sëlf servicing, while fun at first, can get a little depressing.
8. You are ready to use the attached screws. Screw vigorously. If there are not enough screws, it is relatively easy to find more online. (Caution: Overzealous execution of this step can result in the creation of an entirely new Sëlf. This requires a separate manual.)
Note: Your previous two-person unit, Geurlfrūnd, may have found its own upgrade by now. If so, immediately unplug your new Sëlf and wait for it to cool down. Any attempts to engage with another unit at this time could result in shock and/or attending a silent meditation retreat.
9. Remember to gently wipe your Sëlf off with water and a soft cloth to remove dirt and lint. All other maintenance and repair should be performed by an authorized representative, preferably someone with a Ph.D.
10. In the final stage of the assembly process, you may notice that there is a piece missing from your Sëlf. Unfortunately, there are certain holes that can never be filled with Sëlf servicing, substances containing alcohol, or the final montage of “Toy Story 3.” These are places deep in your Sëlf that only your previous unit filled.
Once this stage is reached, it is safe to reconnect with your former Geurlfrūnd unit. Although you are no longer officially attached, you will most likely still find your Sëlf compatible with that unit. In fact, you could not have built your new Sëlf had you not mastered the operating instructions that accompanied your previous model.
Well done! You have put your Sëlf together. A new two-person upgrade is now available.