McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: I’ve Been Sent to Rescue You From This All-You-Can-Eat Brunch Buffet.
Listen to me very carefully. I’ve been sent here to rescue you. Any sudden movement will blow our cover. Now, when I take my hand off your mouth do not scream. Snap your fingers twice if you understand. As long as you trust me we’re going to get you out of this All-You-Can-Eat Brunch Buffet.
I can’t tell you my name and I can’t tell you who sent me. All I can tell you is that you’re on your second helping of cheesy hash browns. That might be okay on its own but you actually heaped them on top of a biscuit and covered them in bacon. Don’t you understand what’s at stake here?
There’s only one way out. It sounds crazy but we’ll have to go out the front door. Look, we don’t have much time. They just refilled the waffles. When I say ‘go’ I want you to walk to the eggs Benedict. Don’t make eye contact with anyone. The guy at the omelette station is working for them. So is the wait staff and the hostess. Basically, anyone with beige pants and a red polo is on payroll. Damn! They’ve got this whole place covered. Put this ear piece in and wait for my instructions. I’ll meet you over there. Hold for a second. Now, go!
I’m getting too old for this kind of heat. I guess it’s from all those fuel canisters beneath the chafing dishes. Sure, it smells good. That’s how they get you. Next thing you know you’re slathering whipped butter over a kilo of cholesterol. And you know what? It’s programmed to explode. That’s right! It blows up right at your waistline. You don’t even see it coming until it’s over. All of a sudden they switch over to the dinner shift and you’re just standing there holding your shrimp skewer.
Stay calm. Manager approaching nine o’clock. He’s going to talk to you. Just repeat what I’m telling you. Hello. Yes, I am finding everything just fine. I was wondering if you have any gluten-free toast. I know that’s a weird question since I already ate about three pounds of gluten disguised as blueberry pancakes. Try to laugh but not too hard. Dammit! You weren’t supposed to actually repeat that. This is going to hell. They’re on to us. Just smile and back away. Now turn around and walk toward me. We’re going to have to make our move. On the count of three. 1.. 2… Wait! We need to take care of the check. Are you being serious right now? You don’t have cash. Tell me that’s not a Discover card. Hand it over! I’ll pay while you walk out.
I’m not going to make it but you still have a chance. Freedom is right through that door. Stay focused. Just one more thing. You’re going to see some weird charges on your credit card. Probably some single barrel scotch. A snorkeling set. A reservation at a less-than-reputable hotel in Burbank. That just means I went underground. No need to thank me. I’m just doing my job.