Welcome, 5K Runners! – The New Yorker
Thank you for registering for the fourteenth annual Lakeside View Run/Walk 5K to benefit runner’s-high research. Please line up behind the race’s starting line in the appropriate seeding areas, based on your expected finishing time.
Off-season high-school and college runners looking to score gift certificates to Sizzler. Post-college runners with Steve Prefontaine mustaches and something to prove. Also, thirtysomething runners suddenly acutely aware of their mortality.
Those who have lied to themselves and to this race committee. Additionally, anyone wearing neon Lycra, a late-model G.P.S. watch, sunglasses vaguely reminiscent of a pro wrestler’s, or whatever those forearm tube socks are.
Newly divorced and really starting to see results from CrossFit.
Entrants who threw out one or more pairs of barefoot/minimalist shoes in the past calendar year and/or purchased their trainers only after being videotaped on a treadmill by a wiry young guy who proudly tapes his nipples.
Anyone doing it for the ’gram, YAAAASSSSSS.
Racers who pre-gamed in the commuter parking lot with Fireball shots and will head straight to O’Malley’s immediately after crossing the finish line. Also, racers dressed as Santa or any superhero from the Marvel universe. Also, those clearly just using this as an opportunity to show off their rock-hard abs.
Participants who can’t wait to toss their color-run powder, despite this clearly not being a color run.
Signed up with co-workers six months ago and totally forgot about it. Dropping out at mile one.
Fifty and FABULOUS!!! Also, those who have been given a stern warning by their doctors that they can no longer ignore due to sobering test results.
Owners of cars with “26.2” bumper stickers and Facebook friends you haven’t seen in, like, forever who now want you to sponsor them? Are you kidding me?
45:00 and above
N/A. (Our police permit is only valid until noon.)