From: Wells Fargo, Re: Closing the Accounts We Secretly Opened for You – The New Yorker
Dear Valued Customer,
We’re sorry that you’ve opted to close the top-secret, unauthorized Wells Fargo bank accounts and credit card that we opened for you without your knowledge or consent. We consider this inconvenience to you—a loyal account holder (and friend)—to be a very serious affront to something. To that end, we’re committed to discontinuing this terribly minor, insignificant operation that only fifty-three hundred of our employees have been working on exclusively since 2011.
First, we’ve gone ahead and closed your Super Spender™ Gold Checking Account ending in *8085 and will refund the following charges associated with that account:
February, 2012: Account opening fee, $15
February, 2014: Account-opening biennial-anniversary celebration charge, $300
May, 2015: Accumulated late fees on unpaid late fees, $2,074.34
March, 2016: Accident, $80,000
August, 2016: Personalized “Corgipoos in Cute Outfits” checkbook, $9.99
Fun fact: the pin number for your associated debit card was 1852, the year our bank was founded!
Your Just for Laughs Savings Account, with a balance of $0.00, was super easy to close. We’re also taking steps to cancel your Lifetime Debt Preferred Credit Card and reimburse you for its only charge, a December, 2014–January, 2015, Jackson Hole Executive Getaway Package. Your trip included five round-trip business-class tickets from New York to Jackson Hole, a chalet rental plus V.I.P. lift tickets, a bottle of Henri IV Dudognon Heritage Cognac Grande Champagne, a hundred and eighty minutes with Domme Charlene of Wyoming, five matching “They’ll Never Catch Us!” tattoos, and brand-new fancy red suits and hats.
Additionally, we’ll be deleting any spurious personal information created for your accounts. From this point forward, your alias will no longer be Johnny San Diego Diegowitz. We’ve removed your associated e-mail addresses (stealing125milLOL@gmail.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com). Your mother’s maiden name isn’t Tolstedt anymore. We’ve removed your home town (Party City). And we’ve cancelled your childhood, which was happy.
Again, we want to apologize that we were caught. Some in the press have described our actions using words like “scam,” “scheme,” “con,” “racket,” “flimflam,” “shakedown,” “bunco,” “swindle,” “grift,” “hoodwink,” “ol’ mountebank payola,” “hornswoggle,” “dupe,” “chicanery,” and “bamboozle,” and it’s not really our place to disagree with those assessments.
But, economic jargon aside, we at Wells Fargo have sure learned a valuable lesson. We must do everything in our power to regain your trust—only then can we once again earn your money and put it toward even greater, more convoluted fraudulent operations for maximum profit. We were caught this time, and we’ll do our damnedest not to get caught again. That’s a Wells Fargo promise.
Going forward, we’ll be paying a record $185 million fine to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. And, since we still have hundreds of millions of dollars owed in executive-clawback provisions, soon we’ll be raising rates on all of our financial products and services!
Thanks so much for understanding.
P.S. Congratulations! You’ve been pre-approved for a new line of credit! Click here.