McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Denny’s Kid’s Menu Editorial Board: Trump is Unfit for the Presidency.
In the entire history of Denny’s Kid’s Menu, we have never taken sides in the presidential race. Instead, we’ve focused on letting great American kids like you, who have a variety of awesome tastes and values, decide between a number of delicious choices, whether that be dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets or a Build Your Own Jr. Sundae®. We’ve never seen reason to alter our approach. Until now.
Here’s the thing, kids: This year, we’re not being asked to choose between chowing down on some tasty Mac & Cheese or mixing it up with some Chocolate Chip Pancakes. (Breakfast for dinner? Yum!) This year, we’re being asked to choose a Head of State, Head of Government, and Commander-in-Chief for the whole United States. And one of the candidates — Republican nominee Donald Trump — is, by unanimous consensus of the Denny’s Kid’s Menu Editorial Board, unfit for the presidency.
We’ve been highly critical of the GOP nominee in a number of previous Cool Kids Crosswords and Wacky Word Searches that you find along the sides of your Denny’s Kid’s Menus. But with early voting already underway in several states, we’ve decided it’s time we “get real” with you and spell out the reasons we think Trump should not be president:
He is a bad promise man
Trump has been on so many sides of so many issues, it’s like he just wants to be cool but then is a big liar face. He’s the type who tells you that you can have a Jr. Strawberry Banana Bliss Smoothie® for your drink, but then when grandma shakes her head and makes that tsk-tsk sound, changes his mind and says you should just have water. That’s mean!
He’s lame at war
Trump sounds like a tough guy when he says you should throw your Sweet Petite Corn® at those teens at the next table who look like bullies. But Robert Gates, the highly respected former Defense secretary who served presidents of both parties over a half-century, points out that the waitress would totally know it was you who started it, and wouldn’t care if those bullies then lit your table on fire with their cigarette lighters. And then your table is on fire, and where is Trump?
He traffics in prejudice
We’re not going to scare you too much with details here, but basically Trump is saying that only muggles have the capacity to Build Your Own Grand Slam®, and the Chili’s Pepper Pals are trying to take away your Slams.
He would bankrupt your favorite Denny’s in a week
Trump has built his candidacy on his achievements as a super-smart business man. Yes, we know your dad is a business man too, and he is super-smart. Your mom is super-smart at business too. But they make stuff and then use what they earn to buy you Apple Dunkers with Caramel Sauce® because you did extra good at your piano recital. Trump just buys the Denny’s in your town and tells his buddies in the city that they should give him $5 to run it, then closes it and keeps the $5. And then you get no Apple Dunkers.
His pants are on fire
Trump runs around saying that since he owns all the Denny’s in America, you should let him run your Boy Scouts Popcorn Drive, but when you ask him to show you his incorporation papers because Seth is also pretty good at selling stuff, and you worry about not being Top Pack again this year if you don’t let Seth lead the drive, he says that he can’t because all the Denny’s are being sued by big meanies who are jealous of his great success. And even when you say that’s OK, you still want to see the papers, he tells you to shut your stupid popcorn hole.
He says bad words
Trump was quoted as saying that any pig-face c-words that don’t let their kids get extra bacon with their Jr. Cinnamon Pancake Breakfast® can go f themselves in the a-hole. While we at Denny’s appreciate the up-sell on the bacon, we could never condone such discourse in a family-friendly restaurant.
We on the Denny’s Kid’s Menu Editorial Board are not unmindful of some of the realities behind issues that Trump’s campaign has exploited: the disappearance of working-class jobs; excessive nutritional correctness; the rise of the Islamic State; and the influence of Shake-N-Steakian interests. All are legitimate sources of concern for us.
Nor does this express support for Hillary Clinton, who has her own flaws. (We once saw her eat a cantaloupe for breakfast, for the love of God.)
But kids, here’s the bottom line: Stay true to your convictions. That might mean a vote for Cantaloupe Clinton. Or it might mean a third-party candidate.
Whatever you do, however, resist the siren song of a dangerous doody-face. Tell your parents to vote, just not for Donald Trump.
And remember to constantly remind your parents that Kids Eat Free Pancakes Every Day from 4-10PM! (For a limited time only.)