McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Monologue: An Impassioned Plea From a Gary Johnson Swing State Precinct Captain.
Even though I live in a swing state I’m very comfortable with my decision to support Gary Johnson and I appreciate your taking the time to read this and let me share my thoughts on the choice we’re all facing in this election because this election, it’s about our country. Not another country but our country. Our country is called the United States of America and that’s just something we all know, all of us who support Gary Johnson.
But maybe you’re one of those people planning to move to another country if Donald Trump is elected. If so, I’ll be curious to see which country you choose. Maybe you’ll move to that big one north of us that has maple syrup, or to the one that the Mexicans come from that I can’t recall the name of right now, but I do know that free trade with that country is a disaster and it’s also a disaster with the country that has maple syrup and those police who ride on horses.
You could also move across one of the oceans, I suppose, the one on the right, I think that ocean is smaller than the one on the left but I do know it’s big, I do know that, the oceans are very big, they contain most of the world’s fresh water, in fact, and most of its fish, which is not widely known, and on the other side of the ocean on the right you can live in a country in Asia or Europe or whichever, one of those land masses that starts with a ‘C.’
Are they incontinence? I believe they are. What are we calling those now? Africa is incontinence and I believe Arctica is as well. I believe that’s what they’re called, I believe that’s right, and in any case that doesn’t matter, does it? What matters is that this election is not a binary. We have a chance to take a deep breath and choose a third way, choose entrepreneurs and choose the light of freedom, choose a different color than the two primary colors you’re being offered by the media and our corrupt party system, which I think are green and green but, again, that doesn’t matter so much even though green is the color of a lot of things, both bad things and very very good things.
But most of all this election is about limiting government. That’s what Gary Johnson believes. It’s about putting money back in the hands of our citizens so it’s not wasted on big government programs and corporate welfare and public schools with their geography classes and their history classes and their civics classes and so it’s not wasted on things like wars with countries like ISIS and terrorist organizations like Aleppo.