McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Moderately Motivated Gen-Xer for Hire.
40-something professional seeks opportunity in an environment that is neither “fun,” “playful,” nor “collaborative;” minimal responsibility preferred but not required. Salary increase negotiable.
Candidate does not require assigned tasks to be amazing or even particularly interesting, and has been known to sidestep certain projects entirely as opposed to wasting time on a nonsense initiative that will, within weeks, be replaced by another nonsense initiative.
Strengths include the ability to work independently for years or even decades with minimal feedback and/or praise, as well as a marked level of comfort working with antiquated systems, outdated standards, and unending group email chains. Cumbersome processes will in no way detract from productivity levels, provided productivity is measured by way of exceedingly complex written reports.
Candidate is known as an excellent team player, provided that an organization’s definition of “good team playing” involves neither unprofessional selfies posted on the company intranet, nor speaking animatedly about “emerging technologies” while standing directly behind someone who just wants to get his 3.5 hours of actual work done and get on with his life.
Communication skills via email are unimpeachable and degrade only slightly when telephone contact is unavoidable. Candidate prefers solitary lunches in an entirely average corporate cafeteria, but can be available for “midday work sessions” on a semi-quarterly basis.
Candidate understands that individual contributions often have limited value in the wider context, and is content to follow orders with no grasp of said orders’ ultimate purpose or importance. Gratification on a severely delayed timetable is perfectly acceptable.
Candidate is accustomed to a reporting structure that includes multiple redundant levels of management. Visibility to and/or engagement with leadership figures will be ideally restricted to various “Fireside Chat” situations in which senior management pretends to have a casual, cardigan-sweater-and-loafers-type relationship with lower-ranking individuals.
Recognition need not exceed the annual “merit” increase, along with an occasional acrylic “outstanding effort” figurine. Opportunities for advancement should follow a largely sluggish career path outlined by a disinterested human resources department.
Interested parties may contact the candidate via telephone or email; candidate refuses to be available on WhatsApp, Snapchat, Viber, KIK, IMO, Line or WeChat until such time as the candidate’s children make it impossible to ignore emerging communication methods.
Thank you for your interest — we look forward to hearing from you!