McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: About the Sinkhole in the Adjunct Faculty Lounge, and Other Mid-Semester Announcements.
Dear Adjunct Faculty —
In keeping with Windy Point Community College’s continued efforts to support our adjunct faculty, I’d like to share a few announcements that should be of interest as we reach the mid-point of the semester.
You may have noticed that the chairs in the adjunct faculty office space now have only three legs. This is due to a new clause in all tenured faculty contracts that entitles a fifth chair leg to any full professor who desires one. Some of you have already reached out inquiring as to whether you might bring in extra chair legs or your own chairs from home, and I’m told that any and all chairs and chair legs brought onto campus are subject to seizure by full-time faculty, according to their contracts.
By way of consolation, the college has agreed to a compromise on the requirement that adjuncts begin wearing bright purple beanies topped with propellers starting next semester. Adjunct faculty will now be permitted to choose between purple and orange beanies, and will also be allowed to remove the hats during office hours, so long as office doors are closed and locked from the outside.
Vice-Provost Brandman has asked me to express his gratitude to everyone that assisted in erecting the memorial shrine for his dearly departed cockatiel, Mr. Junk. Unfortunately, it has been decided that worker’s compensation claims filed due to injuries sustained while building the shrine will not be honored, as Vice-Provost Brandman’s request for your help made it clear that participation was ‘highly encouraged’ and not ‘mandatory.’ Members of our campus security team who may have taken it upon themselves to escort you to the construction site were not acting on behalf of Vice-Provost Brandman or the college, and have been given a two-day paid suspension as a consequence of their well-intentioned but entirely unsanctioned actions.
In related news, continued efforts to provide comprehensive healthcare for adjunct faculty are currently stalled. I vow to continue fighting for medical coverage going forward, and in the meantime would like to advise anyone currently suffering the consequences of untreated diabetes reach out to Anna Gardner of the Medical Campus regarding an upcoming clinical study. They won’t be providing insulin, but if whatever drug they’re developing ends up working you’ll be able to take comfort in the knowledge that your unspeakable suffering hasn’t been entirely for naught.
Also, I’m told they pay cash.
I recently spoke with the Sarah Sutton, General Manager of the Walmart on Victory Boulevard, and she’d like me to express to you all that while she’s still willing to permit any adjunct faculty members in need of shelter to sleep in the loading bay behind the store, trapping and consuming the seagulls that flock to the parking lot overnight is now forbidden, as piles of seagull bones left in the lot have apparently damaged the fragile wheels of several shopping carts. Mrs. Sutton also asked me to remind everyone that sobbing or shrieking is forbidden between the hours of 10 pm and 9 am on weekdays.
I’d like to extend my gratitude to everyone trapped at the bottom of the sinkhole in the adjunct faculty lounge. You’ve all been both patient and brave, and that so many of you have agreed to continue teaching your courses online via laptops lowered into the sinkhole shows an admirable dedication to your students.
Unfortunately, due to a scheduling error the sinkhole has been slated for filling and repair next week, which is sooner than rescue crews believe they’ll be able to retrieve everyone trapped within. Vice-Provost Brandman has announced that adjuncts left in the sinkhole after next week will no longer be obligated to reimburse the college for the laptops they’ve been provided, and plans are underway to provide those adjuncts left behind with food and mining equipment, although it’s currently unclear how this equipment will be paid for, since the cost of the memorial shrine for Mr. Junk and filling the sinkhole has drained the quarterly budget.
I’ve placed a cardboard box outside of my office to collect donations of non-perishable food items, gently used mining equipment, and maps of the local sewer system. I know that many of you might view an unattended cardboard box as an opportunity to upgrade your living situation, but please show some restraint, and give generously if you can.
Coordinator of Adjunct Expectations