Introducing Sallie Mae’s Reincarnation Loan – The Loan That Lets You Pay Back Your Student Debt Over Several Lifetimes. – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
Whether your path towards higher learning is about to start or is already underway, you’ll need a loan to see it through… and the time to repay it! That’s why we here at Sallie Mae are proud to introduce the new Reincarnation Loan® — the only student loan that lets you pay back your debt over several lifetimes.
While 12.24% interest may seem high, remember that rate is fixed regardless of fluctuations in the national average or your continued existence. Why stress for thirty years, crawling your way out of debt when you can spread that labor and concern through multiple planetary returns? Discover the freedom that comes from binding the life of your loan to several lifetimes!
Here are the answers to some frequently asked questions:
May I apply for the loan if I belong to a major religion that rejects the concept of reincarnation?
Your relationship with God is your business and we here at Sallie Mae would never dream of interfering with that connection — provided you weren’t defaulting on seminary school loans. We also appreciate that not all the great faiths of the world agree on a cyclical existence, but safe to say we wouldn’t stake the financial security of this institution unless we were positive we could find you in the next life. All faiths may apply.
What if my future salary is less than I’m earning in this lifetime?
Your payment plan is fixed and cannot be adjusted based on future salaries uncontemplated at the time of the loan. Nevertheless, as the reincarnation loan will always remain tethered to your transient soul, if your earning potential is limited, feel free to kill yourself in the hopes of higher liquidity in your next go around.
What if future me is living in an agrarian/barter economy?
While experts agree that the indentured servitude of higher education is with us to stay, Sallie Mae understands that currency is always subject to change. If you find your future self living in a world without currency, rest assured our Sallie Mae representatives will be contacting you to let you know just how many bushels of grain and shiny rocks equate to your previous monetary obligations.
What if I’m a millionaire in the next life – is there a penalty for early repayment?
Yes. Just as the interest rate is fixed so is your commitment to pay student loan debt for five consecutive lifetimes. There is a 100% penalty for early payment and/or forfeiture of one of your future lives. Don’t fret. You can’t take it with you, but you might consider stashing your wealth somewhere in the future you can find it.
May I retain the same login password throughout my lives?
Ha. No. Believe us, with all the hacking advances coming, you’ll long for the day your password required only one special character. On the bright side, however, the Sallie Mae urethral ID scanner currently in development is expected to get marginally less painful over the next 250 years.
Will future Sallie Mae change loan conditions in my next life?
There is no fear that the reincarnated souls of future Sallie Mae personnel will vary the terms and conditions of the loans drafted by their former selves. That’s because we here at Sallie Mae have no soul. Instead, we are an elemental collective of interest-calculating beings existing somewhere between what you understand to be the third and fourth dimension. We are the Sallie Mae. We shall always be the Sallie Mae.