Reminders for Our Upcoming Team-Building Trip to the Forest of the Damned. – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Reminders for Our Upcoming Team-Building Trip to the Forest of the Damned. – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Hello Equippely Team,

I hope everyone’s getting pumped for next weekend’s team-building trip to the historic Teardrop Forest! Our Fun Squad has been hard at work planning a camping trip that will become the stuff of company legend.

First, to get you extra jazzed for our trip, we want to share some fun facts about Teardrop Forest:

  • Teardrop Forest is a 25-square mile state park just 40 MILES from our office. Once we all get loaded up in the company vans, we’ll be there in no time!
  • The forest is known for its extensive network of caves, above average annual rainfall, and Teardrop Tunnel, a section of trail so overgrown with intertwined vines and trees that some visitors have described it as “a maddening passage that seems to be leading into a dark, endless abyss.”
  • In the early 1700s, a small group of settlers established a village called Pikestown on the edges of the forest.
    Multiple historical accounts attest to an “unearthly wailing” that would emanate from the forest at night and “chill” the villagers to their “very bones”.
  • Historical records also show that villagers began disappearing from their homes without a trace, until all of the original 216 settlers were gone.
  • There are no clues as to where the villagers disappeared to, except for the words EVIL FOREST carved deep into a tree on the outskirts of the lost colony. Historians are still debating the meaning of this cryptic message.
  • Today, Teardrop Forest is one of the least-visited state parks in the country. Let’s change that by making this our biggest team-building event ever!!!

Since we’re going to be camping deep in the heart of Teardrop Forest, make sure you bring the following items:

  • Tent
  • Sleeping bag
  • Hiking boots
  • Extra socks
  • Lots of clothing layers (we’re told it gets eerily cold in the forest at night)
  • Headlamp or flashlight (so that you can see everything that might come at you out of the dark)
  • Ear plugs (if you think you’ll have trouble sleeping through unearthly wailing)
  • Holy water (just in case)

Don’t worry about bringing food — Equippely has that covered, including the S’MORES!

A few other quick notes:

  • This trip isn’t mandatory, but it is highly encouraged. Our company culture is a big part of what makes Equippely such a great place to work, and we count on you to continue building that culture, whether we’re going to a company karaoke night or spending 48 hours in a forsaken forest.
  • There’s a good chance that you won’t get any cell phone reception while in Teardrop Forest. Maybe just plan on having a relaxing, device-free weekend!
  • We’re all going to stick together during our day hikes. As much as we’d love to allow individual exploring, there have been a few too many reports of lost hikers in Teardrop Forest, and we don’t want to risk it.
  • Please do not remove anything from the forest, whether it’s a delicate flower or a Satanic totem that you found planted squarely in the middle of the trail. It’s our job to leave nature as we found it.
  • Be sure you’ve signed a waiver before you get in the company van. We know, paperwork is a pain, but we have to satisfy the lawyers. It’s just a formality.

If we can all just keep those few things in mind, we’re sure to have the BEST TEAM-BUILDING TRIP this company has ever seen! Everybody get excited, and be sure to tell someone where you’re going.

Cheers,
The Fun Squad
Equippely LLC

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/reminders-for-our-upcoming-team-building-trip-to-the-forest-of-the-damned

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