We Regret to Inform You That Dirty Deeds Will No Longer Be Done Dirt Cheap – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
Dear valued customers,
As you know, it has always been the goal of Alternate / Direct Currents LLC to go the proverbial extra mile to meet the needs of our clients. Anything we’ve been asked to do — no matter how heinous, vile and highly illegal — we’ve happily carried out, and for rock-bottom prices to boot. Those are the principles upon which this company was founded.
But sadly, the realities of the modern marketplace have rendered operating at our current model all but impossible. To this end, we regret to formally announce that our dirty deeds will no longer be dirt cheap. To be more specific, we are initiating a price hike of approximately 20% across the board for all services, effective immediately.
We do not undertake such action lightly. Rest assured, all other avenues were exhausted; credit lines have maxed out, homes have been borrowed against, and we’ve even been forced to reduce staff. This last action in particular weighs heavily on us. We may be a business based entirely on revenge / murder-by-proxy, but we’re not heartless.
But the hard facts are that our costs have skyrocketed uncontrollably since we first incorporated back in those halcyon days of 1976. Have you seen the price of shoe-quality concrete lately? We’ve held the line as long as we possibly could, trust us. Import tariffs on cyanide have risen sharply as well. And just try to find a TNT vendor that doesn’t ask you to bend over and smile. Happily, necktie costs haven’t been an issue, as these can be re-used indefinitely. (More about this in our forthcoming Annual Report.)
Despite any price increases however, there are some things that will never change. You can still call us anytime at 36-24-36; we will always be home (you can also visit us online at http://www.acdc.biz). If you’ve been given the blues, the teardrops have started, or you’re being driven nuts, we will be there for you, ready to erase your enemy from existence, with no questions asked, just as we have for 40 years now. We remain your backdoor men.
Thanks for your understanding as well as your continued patronage. Let’s keep having ourselves a ball.
Alternate/Direct Currents LLC dba/Dirty Deeds Industries