Emergency Canadian Residence Application – The New Yorker
Welcome to Canada! /Bienvenue au Canada! *
*If you are a terrorist, please disregard this message.
I,_______________, wish to leave the United States for the following reason(s):
Stop/Arrêtez! You may use an alias only if you are not a terrorist or a rabid Canadian-baiter.
__President Trump will ban Chinese takeout.
__My dog is named Loser.
__I wish to volunteer to help build a border wall to keep Americans out of Canada.
(No curse words, please!)
true or false
Canada would never elect Trump to lead the nation, because:
(a) No leader required.
(b) No official residence would be swanky/vulgar enough.
(c) Very few girls who are eights, nines, and tens.
(d) Gold-leaf supplies are inadequate.
(e) He does not understand basic rules of curling.
(f) He cannot spell “R.C.M.P.”
settlers’ effects: prohibition list
Please note that U.S. citizens granted emergency Canadian residence are prohibited from bringing:
Signs, sandwich boards, or banners ridiculing Céline Dion; medical meat loaf; anti-environmental aerosol hair spray; non-metric liquids; Princes Harry and William YouTube “joke” videos.
Circle the incorrect item(s) in the following statements:
If you should apply for emergency residence in the Netherlands, you would bring with you: Hockey equipment, a flannel cap with earflaps, a box of Tim Hortons doughnuts, and a moose.
If you should apply for emergency residence in Paraguay, you would bring with you: Hockey equipment, a flannel cap with earflaps, a box of Tim Hortons doughnuts, and a caribou.
notice: You have passed the knowledge quiz, but your application for emergency Canadian residence is hereby rejected. You are clearly making Canadian jokes.
Unlike some countries, Canada, thanks to the 1949 Rat Portage Humane Treatment Conference, gives guilty parties an opportunity to redeem themselves. If you are guilty, or if you only feel guilty, please continue.
Circle the errors in the following sentences:
(a) Trump is a monstrous asshole, eh?
(b) Trump, the hoser, speaks real bad French.
(c) Trump crosses streets against the light.
Hands up! This is an F.B.I. sting!
Ha ha ha! Just kidding. Hands down! You see, your Canuck friends have only been up to some tomfoolery to cheer up Americans like yourself, who are applying for emergency residence. We know you must be cheesed off at us just now! So go ahead and deduct fifty per cent of the fee for this application to ease your bruised feelings.*
*There is no fee for this application. We just want everybody to like us.