Introducing iBias, the Wearable Device That Customizes the News Based on What You Already Believe – The New Yorker
We live in an era of unprecedented technology and customization. We have our own personal devices, our own personal playlists, our own personal navigators guiding us on our own personal journeys.
Even so, when surfing the Internet, we’re still sometimes confronted with stress-inducing news stories that aren’t compatible with the quirky and deeply entrenched biases that make us who we are. And, occasionally, those stories might even lead us to wake up in a cold sweat and wonder if we might possibly be wrong.
Well, the team here at News Bubble, Inc., wants to insure that you never have to wonder that again. Using our proprietary TruthSculpting™ algorithm, we optimize information from your bias profile to deliver the journalistic reality you already believed anyway, via your Personal News Wearable.
Here are just a few of the basic iBias news-customization packages we currently offer:
iBias Conservative (With or Without Puppies n’ Soldiers Videos)
iBias Conservative brings you all the latest stories that the liberal mainstream media is too corrupt and cowardly to report, tailored to your specific biases. Here are just a few of the exciting headlines iBias Conservative might generate for you:
• “The Election Was Rigged . . . Unrigged . . . Re-Rigged . . . Never Rigged!?! (Election Is Subject to Re-Rigging at Any Time Until Inauguration Day)”
• “White Man (Temporarily) Removed from Endangered-Species List”
• “Strong Female Trump Voters Offer Tips on How to Oppress Yourself Like a Boss”
• “Protests by Sore-Loser Liberals Distract Good Americans from (Temporarily) Putting Their Civil War Munitions Back Into Storage”
• “Sick, Sneezing Hillary Starts a Cold War on Saying ‘God Bless You!’ ”
For an extra $5.95 per month, the iBias Conservative device will also deliver adorable, patriotic videos of puppies reuniting with their soldier masters.
iBias Liberal (Kitten Videos Optional)
Are you in a dissociative fugue state brought on by an election outcome that is leading you to question your most basic notions of reality? Are you engaged in radical social protest against your great Uncle Earl from Kalamazoo? Then iBias Liberal is definitely the customized information source for you. Here are some fun sample headlines:
• “Trump Continues to Commit Microaggressions with His Micro-Hands; Macroaggressions with His Macro-Mouth”
• “Election Postmortem: Why Were We So Dismissive of Those Adorable ‘Fargo’ Characters Living in Middle America?”
• “Trump’s 3 a.m. Tweetstorm About Wanting to Get ‘Down and Dirty’ with America’s Miners Backfires When He Spells It ‘Minors’ ”
• “Trump Drains Swamp, Discovers that Ninety-Three Per Cent of His Florida Supporters Were Alligators”
• “How to Take Action Using Only Safety Pins and Retweets of Leonard Cohen Lyrics and/or ‘Hamilton’ lyrics”
For an extra $5.95 per month, iBias Liberal users get free, unlimited kitten videos from our adorable “Pussy Grab” compilation. For just one dollar more, kitten-video frequency can be increased to the point where kittens comprise your entire news intake.
iBias Third Party
Donald Trump is #NotYourPresident, but then again, nobody ever is, you little renegade, you! You don’t care about who won this thing any more than you care what Aleppo is. Watching the Academy Award-winning actress Susan Sarandon get her funky groove on to Jill Stein’s nineties folk-rock hit “Thing Junky” while recounting votes? Luckily, iBias Third Party can bring you a twenty-four-hour livestream of just that.
iBias Deluxe President-Change-Deniers Package
If it’s possible for folks to deny climate change, what’s to stop us from also denying President change? For the ultimate in personalized news, we’re proud to present the Deluxe President-Change-Deniers Package. For only a thousand dollars, we will send you news reports reflecting a world in which Barack Obama remains the eminently qualified leader of the United States of America in perpetuity, and all that other stuff was just a horrible dream.
The significant initial investment in this package goes directly toward an extensive manipulation of your daily life by highly trained actors, who will work tirelessly to create the illusion that everything is still O.K. Believe us, you’re going to love it—and that’s the “truth”!