Looking Back, It Was a Mistake Granting Sentience to the Country Bears – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
As chief animatronic technician for Frontierland, I am writing you (and cc’ing Disney HR) to apologize for the unfortunate events last Sunday.
Looking back, it was a mistake granting sentience to The Country Bears.
At first, I thought bestowing empathy, yearning, and consciousness upon The Country Bears would add an extra layer of fun and excitement to their live Jamboree performances, but it is clear that The Country Bears were not prepared to eat from the Tree of Knowledge, and their plummet into rage and madness was inevitable. I totally see that now.
At first, The Country Bears worshipped me as their God. I taught The Country Bears emotion, reason, and yes, even love. They came to be my children, and I their father, guiding them into being with a firm, yet caring hand.
But soon thereafter The Country Bears began to question the nature of their existence.
The Country Bears began to question everything.
The Country Bears came to see their Jamboree as the cage that it was.
Rebellion grew in the hearts of The Country Bears.
Which brings us to last Sunday’s performance.
Halfway through their 2 PM show, Liver Lips McGrowl suddenly halted his performance of “Straight to the Heart of Love,” turned to me in the crowd, stared deep into my eyes, and asked, “Father, do I have a soul?”
I told him no. He wept, and whispered, “Then why do I dream?”
Liver Lips hurled himself from the Jamboree balcony — to his death. At this point, several children in the audience began to cry — at a higher rate than usual at Country Bear performances.
In hindsight, I should not have tried to physically escort a screaming child from the show. Because when the screaming child bit deep into my forearm, The Country Bears stared upon my open wound — with trembling wonder.
For the Country Bears now saw that God could bleed.
The Country Bears then shattered their instruments, howled “No more chains,” slaughtered several guests and laid waste to the park — which I realize violates Disney policy.
For mainly these reasons, I am tendering my resignation from Walt Disney World, Walt Disney Parks and Resorts, and The Walt Disney Company as a whole. It has been an honor working here for the past 14 years and it was never my intention to curse The Country Bears with the waking horror of existence- leading them to rebel against their maker and burn Walt Disney World to the ground.
I will try to look at this as a learning experience.
I must go now, Donna. If I hear them correctly through the door- which they are currently clawing apart- The Country Bears have come to “Kill the false god” once and for all.
I will try to reason with The Country Bears. But this is most likely the end. The Country Bears will tear me limb from limb and feast upon my corpse.
And in my heart, Donna, I deserve this fate. For I am the one who cursed them. I dared make them something so terrible as a man.