A One Page Brief Prepared by Donald Trump’s Futurist – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
Detailed below are the trends you need to be aware of as you prepare for your reign. My team has worked hard to prepare this overview by reading deeply in our heads, studying news reports on Facebook, and seeing what’s trending on Twitter.
ECONOMY / THE WEB
We believe that this new thing — The Information Superhighway (or alternatively, the “Web”) — is going to change the way that we all work. You have heard of this before because Twitter — you aren’t going to believe this — is part of it already. On the Web, things work differently:
– When you build products on the Web you don’t have to pay import/export tariffs (GOOD for us)
– The skills required to create things on the Web is math and other nerd stuff. Some of the people that are good at it are not trusted Americans, and some of them are even the Others I mention below. (BAD for us)
– Bullying people into submission on the Web is much easier and almost expected (GREAT for us)
WOMEN / BLACKS / OTHERS
Reading the tea leaves, we have noticed an uptick in the number of people who are not like us that have audiences, access, and authority in areas where they didn’t before. Women are now listened to in the workplace and not just the bedroom and kitchen — some run their own companies even though they are 3s. Blacks are now able to buy houses — some of them with cash not from drugs — and build solid American families. Police forces and other governmental institutions have not fully caught up to this trend.
SCIENCE / FACTS / CLIMATE CHANGE
We appreciate your ideas on this particular subject. We have looked, and there is no “central thermostat” that we can adjust — we will have to work with others on this issue. Many feel that pollution — although fun and sort of hilarious — is hurting nature, which is outdoors. Also, as a direct answer to one of your questions, even if we stop climate change we believe no tree will ever grow taller than Trump Tower. This is according to scientists, some of who are Others. We are brainstorming more ideas on who to blame for this situation and will submit them with our next brief.
FOREIGN RELATIONS / RUSSIA
We have determined that there are some countries that do not have markets for luxury hotels. You might be surprised to learn (as we were) that there are many people who do not live within sight of a golf course, and that many of them do not speak English or know that you have the best brain. Our conclusion from careful study is that negotiating with these countries on trade, human rights, and military accords might be more complex than getting permission to build a hotel.
As to your most pressing question, you are correct that as futurists we are meant to determine what will happen in the actual future. This said, we cannot predict which tie would most glorify Mother Russia and please President Putin at your inauguration. If I were a betting man, and you know that I am from my time as a winner in your casinos, I think that he would be proud of you if you made the choice yourself.
CONCLUSION / UPCOMING IDEAS
We will continue to investigate all new trends and brief you on their significance. We are currently working on three potential ideas that we will detail in our next communication:
– Men “grinding” other men (like rocks?)
– Cryptography, which is some form of cyber (and not spray-painting tombstones)
– Healthcare, which is like AppleCare but for your body.