List: A Few Minor Requests Before You Take Your Holiday Vacation – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
Thanks for your all your hard work these past few weeks. I know it’s been a busy time, but I just have a few minor requests I want you to complete before you take your holiday vacation.
• Can you manage this project without any direction or assistance or personnel? Thanks. By the way, the budget is zero dollars.
• I want you to edit this document using the “track changes” function. Once you finish the edits, email me back the document without the changes tracked.
• Can you also re-send your email to me as a screenshot in a text message? Please text me at exactly 11:59 PM.
• Do you think you could figure out a way to power this place without using any fossil fuels by 3 PM? I realize it’s 2:52, but it’s not like this is a last-minute request, so you should be able to handle it.
• Can you perform a Whipple procedure? They’re really not that complicated — there are thousands done each year. Just google it.
• Please make sure it doesn’t rain next Tuesday. There’s an event that needs to take place outdoors.
• I need you to explain string theory to me. It must be very detailed, but extremely succinct — I don’t have time to read more than one paragraph, and I need this info before my next meeting.
• Could you join me for a meeting that started 20 minutes ago? You may have to bend the space-time continuum just a little bit to make this work.
On second thought, I can’t approve that vacation request. As you can see, there’s way too much going on here. Unless you figure out that whole space-time continuum thing before 5 PM — then there’s a chance we might be able to swing it.