An Obituary for 2016 – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
The Year (of Our Lord) Two Thousand Sixteen passed away on the night of December 31st, 2016, precisely at the stroke of midnight. It was only three hundred and sixty-six days old, but it felt like forever.
2016 was born in Times Square, where a drunk and hopeful hoard misguidedly celebrated its birth. It does not leave behind a spouse because it never married. 2016 did however lead women on, particularly one woman — to the point that she thought she’d be elected President of the United States.
Instead of children, 2016 leaves behind a wide swath of unspeakable misery, like a tornado of feces through a trailer park of hopes and dreams. During its time on Earth, 2016 did more harm than good, and that’s putting it fucking lightly. Some of the low points of 2016’s nocuous existence include the deaths of American heroes John Glenn and Muhammad Ali, musicians Prince, Leonard Cohen, David Bowie, and George Michael, actors Gene Wilder, Carrie Fisher and Alan Rickman, comedian Garry Shandling, Nobel laureate and activist Elie Wiesel, beloved golfer Arnold Palmer, and Britain’s economic relationship with the rest of Europe.
2016 spent the majority of its short life making the majority of people question if it could “possibly get any worse?” Constantly trying to outdo its own wretchedness, the year will also be remembered for the Syrian refugee crisis, where, unlike earlier, it did leave children behind — around 2.4 million of them. Starving, cold, and sick. 2016 also saw a rise in American gun violence and hate crimes, a boiling over of police-civilian relations, and a horrific attack at an LGBTQ Florida nightclub. 2016 was basically some type of demon from a Herschell Gordon Lewis film, who, coincidentally also perished at the blood-crusted hands of 2016.
In the twilight of its life, in a comically futile grasp at salvation, 2016 gave the Chicago Cubs a World Series, and even die-hard Cubs fans were like, “Yeah, thanks, but like, we still fucking hate you.”
2016 is survived by Donald Trump, Mike Pence, and a wrinkly heap of other white male conservatives, some of whom will have cabinet positions in the next presidential administration. In lieu of vitriolic complaints on social media, donations should be made to Planned Parenthood, the ACLU, or to the construction of your new fallout bunker.
A service in memory of 2016 will be held at Just Kidding Cathedral, located at the corner of Good Riddance Avenue and Go Fuck Yourself Boulevard at 2:00 pm on the 10th of No One Will Miss You, You Goddamn Monster.