List: Deregulated CDC Handwashing Guidelines – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
Under the Trump Administration’s more lenient regulations, the Centers for Disease Control are revising their official hand-washing guidelines. The CDC now recommends the following procedure for businesses aiming to recover time lost under the previously stringent standards for hand hygiene.
1. Wave fingers back and forth under faucet for roughly two seconds. Shake off indiscriminately in sink.
2. Immediately return to work if sink’s motion sensor failed to wet hands, as that was the sink’s responsibility.
3. Briefly check hands for millions of microscopic, disease-spreading bacteria. Skip this step if deep down you know you got them all.
4. More serious diseases such as salmonella, E. coli, and norovirus may be wiped on pants.
5. Rationalize that at this point the use of soap would set you back too many steps.
6. Steps 1-5 may be omitted if nobody else is present.