Divorced Freelancer Seeks Man with Corporate Health Insurance – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
DWF (Divorced White Freelancer), 50, seeks MWCHI (Man with Corporate Health Insurance) for marriage, preferably before the GOP’s Affordable Care Act replacement plan goes into effect. Must enjoy leisurely walks to the primary care doctor that you really, truly do get to keep, year after year. Please, no fat copays or deductibles that cost as much as a new furnace or room and board at my son’s college.
I enjoy taking a cruise… through page after page of in-network doctors on your health plan’s web site. Let’s snuggle by a fire of my Explanation of Benefits papers, in which the total amount due falls in the “Your Responsibility” column.
Please note that my ex and I are in an open relationship — as in, he sends me PDFs of his doctor network for me to open, so I can pick out specialists for our children, who are covered through the health insurance supplied by his large corporate employer. For now. Probably not until they’re 26 anymore.
I love to hold hands while cashing reimbursement checks for out-of-network coverage, which is no longer offered under the plans available through the ACA in my state. I also enjoy romantic dinners for two after visiting physical therapists, dentists, eye doctors, or psychologists, who are all covered under your cushy corporate health plan, which you get simply because you work for a big company in America.
My love for your corporate healthcare plan pre-exists our relationship. Though your Health Savings Account is a plus, it’s simply no substitute for comprehensive healthcare coverage, especially considering my odds of developing secondary cancers from the $250,000 in lymphoma treatments that had saved my life back when my ex’s health insurance covered me. Neither is a Facebook link to a Go Fund Me page or selling my house and living in my car or on a cot in my son’s dorm.
Message me only if you’re ready for a serious relationship, your premiums are paid, and you can swing a quick trip to Vegas for the nuptials. No “friends with benefits” — they don’t cover my annual checkup with my oncologist. As of January, neither does my Obamacare plan. Our love will know no limits, particularly lifetime caps, three-month enrollment periods, and exclusion for pre-existing conditions.
Congressmen and senators a plus. After all, you’ve got the best health insurance in the country. But don’t expect sex. What you’re doing to my prospect of healthcare coverage is a total turnoff.
Must love cats.