Spines for Senators – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
Spines for Senators (S4S) is a 501c3 nonprofit organization that gives invertebrate lawmakers the transformational surgeries they so desperately need. For just the cost of a cup of coffee a day, you can sponsor a senator born without a backbone, by which we mean almost all of them.
All it takes is one visit to a town hall meeting to see how morally impoverished this community really is. These people haven’t had a conviction in months, maybe years. They don’t even remember what resolve tastes like, and they have no access to clean consciences.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Most of the surgeries our doctors perform are spinal implants that allow our elected officials to achieve their full ethical potential. But S4S also provides heart, brain, and soul transplants to needy representatives across the country.
Right now the area of greatest need is in The White House, where a Category 4 shitstorm recently knocked out all of the brainpower and running empathy in the executive branch.
Meet the Lawmakers
See our Media page for a heartbreaking eight-minute video of one of our most ethically destitute senators, Mitch, struggling to stand on two feet.
Here are a few of the hundreds of other spineless officials you can sponsor through our organization.
Little Marco talks tough, especially during Cabinet confirmation hearings — but when it’s time to vote, he folds like Cuban origami (papiroflexia). When one of our volunteers asked Little Marco what he wanted to be when he grew up, he squealed and said, “President of the United States!” Which would be adorable if it weren’t so impossible.
The last time Little Marco “ran for President,” he sweated through a few debates, held his hands up next to his face like Ricky Bobby, and endorsed the budding dictator who had tormented him for months. He’s now a child soldier in that dictator’s army of jellyfish.
Until donors step up to get Little Marco the surgery he needs, he will continue to legislatively wet his pants every time he shows up to work, which is about twice a year.
Like Little Marco, Cory is a young man with big dreams from a reviled state. He’s so tall and handsome, you’d never guess that he too is missing a spine. But look closer, at his voting record. Cory suffers from a condition endemic to senators in which, if you feed him even a single dollar, all fortitude evacuates his body in great blistering sharts.
These poor creatures. It’s no wonder suspected terrorists and the mentally ill can still buy guns.
When we asked Cory about his ties to big business, he just shrugged his gelatinous shoulders and said, “Jersey!” But with your donations, Cory can finally start saying “No” to Big Pharma, “Yes” to lowering drug costs, and “Maybe” to being our first bisexual President.
Our most dire case, Paul
We know it’s hard to stomach the moral squalor in which Paul lives — and that Sarah McLachlan song playing over the C-SPAN clips. His cadaverous skin tone betrays not just his Wisconsin home but the fact that there is no heart pumping blood through that body.
Even worse, Paul recently traded his soul for a Supreme Court Justice, tax cuts for the rich, and the chance to once and for all turn Earth into a giant Porta-Potty cigar bar.
Look into his eyes, the color and consistency of Fruit Looped skim milk. What do you see? Nothing, because the eyes are the window to the soul, and Paul doesn’t have one.
Think about that for a second. Then write us a check.
Testimonials, Kind Of
“I used to have a 100% score from the NRA. Now I’m the only person in the senate who voted against 16 of Donald Trump’s 18 Cabinet appointments. I could not have become a warm-blooded, morally fibrous human being without Spines for Senators.”
— Kirsten Gillibrand (D – NY)
“I was actually born with a spine and I don’t get why my having one is such a big deal to everybody. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work.”
— Susan Collins (R – ME)
“Heh, still keepin’ people on their toes after all these years.”
— John McCain (R – AZ)
The Stakes Have Never Been Higher
The stakes have never been higher, because the legislative branch has never sunk lower.
Experts predict that unless Congress gets the sweeping surgical care it requires, it will continue to “function” in this diseased fashion for the next two-to-six years. Needless to say, that would spell catastrophe for our democracy, our planet, and any smaller planets out there that might be looking up to Earth as a role model or mother figure.
Please consider a monthly donation — or, you know, vote.