Introducing FitBigot! – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
Are you looking for a device to count the number of backward steps we’ve taken as individuals and as a society? Well, look no further: FitBigot’s new line of regression trackers will keep you comfortably aware of how far we haven’t come.
By measuring your heart rate, sleep patterns, microaggressions, regular-sized aggressions, sexist Slack messages, and drunken racial slurs, FitBigot measures how closely you resemble a Confederate soldier, or if you’re motivated, an editor at the National Review.
Each day FitBigot will provide recommendations on how you can better drag us back to a time before minorities and women received the right to vote. Let’s say you spend happy hour with some coworkers and completely ignore the sensible ideas of one of your female subordinates. Your device will credit you for your chauvinism and likely suggest that you attribute her ideas to Jake, the new intern, or one of the bar’s busboys. With FitBigot, you can always regress harder.
Once FitBigot gets to know your brand of atavistic tendencies, it will create personalized regression workouts proven to narrow your mind faster than you can reread Atlas Shrugged. Climate Change denier? FitBigot will have you railing against other so-called scientific “facts” on all social media platforms (but mostly Facebook), starting with the theory of evolution and ending with whatever you think is the biggest threat to a strictly biblical interpretation of our universe.
If you wear your tracker to sleep, it will analyze any subconscious stirrings and calculate your R.E.M — a proprietary FitBigot statistic that tallies the dreams in which you join a Rural Evening Militia.
What’s more, we made FitBigot fun for the whole family by including a hyper-competitive Adventure Mode. Adventures are challenging regressive activities like telling the next Muslim you see to “go back to Syria,” with bonus points awarded if said Muslim is actually Sikh and from New Jersey.
FitBigot comes equipped with over 200 years of battery life; you’ll only have to recharge after you help restore our planet to one that’s even more perfect for you, people who look like you, and those who recognize your obvious supremacy. Remember, FitBigot is apolitical, so you’re bound to find one that’s right for the kind of nostalgia porn you’re into — as long as you’re a white person. Speaking of white, the FitBigot will be available in two colorways: pre-suffrage alabaster, and post-Bannon ivory.
Using the companion iOS and Android FitBigot Community app, you can check out the leaderboards to see how you stack up against other like-minded users, including but not limited to several Silicon Valley entrepreneurs, your very intolerant brother-in-law, and the President of the United States. What could be more satisfying than seeing your name above the leader of the free world’s?1 Nothing, that’s what.
Buy your FitBigot today and keep tomorrow from ever happening!