List: 10 Sociopathic Traits to Nurture in Your Child for Huge Success – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
How many times have you told your little one that he or she could be president of the United States someday? Translate that sentiment into reality. By following these parenting tips, you can ensure that he or she will have the skills and temperament to amass great wealth, connect with influential people world-wide, and eventually become the most powerful man, or less likely, woman in the world.
1. Parasitic Lifestyle
Babies are nothing but parasites, literally living off your teat. It takes lots of work to feed, diaper, and wipe their asses a hundred times a day, but keep at it well into their twenties and thirties. Their parasitic talents take decades to mature. With persistence, your little tike’s neediness will transform into the psychic ability to drain the energy from a room full of people, or a nation, leaving them floundering like fish starving for water.
2. Superficial Charm
When little Suzy hugs your neck, says in her sweetest voice that you’re the best mommy in the world, and begs to eat cookies for breakfast all in the same breath, praise her manipulative nature. Encourage her to keep honing her charms. Give her some tips on the fine skill of seduction: wearing low cut tops, tight fitting dresses, and lots of lip gloss. Today it’s a cookie, 40 years from now, the presidency.
How many times has your three-year-old woken you at 2 AM screaming, “I want to watch TV now!” Instead of scolding Billy, hand him the remote, a bucket of popcorn, and a Mountain Dew as a reward for his impulsivity. This is where many middle class families fail to raise future billionaires because they teach delayed gratification. Such a loser move. Impulsivity is essential to enabling him to pounce on, and exploit lucrative opportunities at play dates and beyond.
4. Grandiose Self Image
By age four your Katie will engage in elaborate make-believe stories, claiming herself queen of the castle (formally your house), and you the jester. Play along. Not only is make-believe an important developmental stage, but if she plans on becoming president someday, she needs to think big and like a despot.
5. Pathological Lying
Has your five-year-old ever said, “No, I didn’t paint the dog blue,” while shaking her blue jazz hands at you. Wonderful! Tell her that lying is a necessary skill for succeeding in kindergarten and Senate hearings. If she can conquer this skill, she can conquer the world.
6. Poor Behavior Control
Poor behavior control comes naturally to your impulsive seven-year-old car thief. Who knew he could even drive? Wrap your arm around Tommy and tell him how proud you are for showing leadership skills so young.
7. Failure to Accept Responsibility
When the cops show up and Tommy blames the neighbor for stealing the car, recognize that this as a teachable moment. Have a heart to heart about his actions and how being convicted of grand larceny will cost the neighbor his job, house, and wife. There’s no greater father-son bonding moment than sharing a good laugh about another person’s misfortunes.
8. Promiscuous Sexual Behavior
Talking to your tweens about sex is a squeamish topic for most parents, but promoting promiscuity can be fun. Celebrate Jill’s ninth birthday with a boy/girl sleep over party. Teach them fun games like Spin the Bottle and Seven Minutes in Heaven. Make sure not to supervise. Promiscuity is an important pillar of success: seduce your way to the top, or blackmail your way there. Who cares how you get there, just get there.
9. Lack of Empathy
When ten-year-old Jimmy locks his five-year-old sister in a dark closet while giving voice to the torture and beheading of her Barbie village, your first instinct might be to call a shrink. Put the phone down. Empathy is a wonderful trait for nuns, veterinarians, and therapists, but it is sure to lead Jimmy into poverty. Caring about the feelings of others who have less than you or nothing at all, will lead him to join the Peace Corps or try to save the world by inventing a pocket water filtration system. If you want a winner on your hands, nurture his inner savage.
10. Sensitive to Criticism
No teen wants to hear your voice — especially when criticizing her poor judgment for hitch hiking to California during finals. Hey, Zoe made it back alive, didn’t she? Apologize for upsetting her and speaking without permission. Vow never to do it again. Her tolerance for criticism will narrow to zilch while her need for non-stop flattery from a world-wide audience will grow exponentially.
By nurturing these ten traits in your child, you are ensuring their future success whether it’s in business, reality TV, or ascending to the White house throne.