A Life-Changing Letter to Pollyanna – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
We are pleased to inform you that the result of your recent test is negative. This means you are free to be negative.
You don’t have to be glad anymore, even if others are counting on you to be.
You don’t have to hope for the best anymore. Go ahead and expect disappointment. Try it out. See how it feels. Anticipate the worst-case scenario. When the worst happens, see how good it feels to be right about it all along. You knew before anyone else that things were going to go horribly wrong.
You no longer have to make the most of anything. Waste time if it suits you. Waste bread. Waste milk. Waste eggs. You don’t have to make the most of a bad situation. Just let it be bad, like it’s meant to be.
You don’t have to do your best. In fact, go ahead and do your worst, or don’t do anything at all.
You don’t have to put your best foot forward. If you wish to, you can now put your worst high-buttoned boot forward. We recommend that you start by telling people to go fuck themselves.
You are no longer obligated to tell others, “Have a nice day.” Nor are you obliged to send holiday cards that say things like, “Have a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!” Anyway, that’s way too much pressure on people who receive these kinds of cards. Almost as bad as cards that say, “Get well soon!” How are they supposed to speed their recovery just for you?
Feel free to cut people off in traffic and also to drive through crosswalks where school children haven’t quite reached the opposite curb.
On seeing a picture of a newborn baby you’re now at liberty to say, “That kid’s kinda red and squashed looking. What the hell happened?” On hearing they’ve named the baby, “Ignatius Facebook-Star Fire-Skater,” don’t say, “Cool! Such an awesome name! Sounds Native-American. He totally looks like a Fire-Skater,” when really you want to ask, “What kind of a bullshit name is that?” Just go ahead and ask this.
No more do you have to lie awake all night worrying because you are three to five days late on a thank you note. F thank you notes.
Keep everything you’ve borrowed and ask people why they haven’t returned your shit yet.
Let your friend buy the first round. Then let them buy the second. After you’re good and drunk, suggest that you both order a third. Throw that third drink down your throat and also down the front of your blouse so half is wasted. Then, run like hell.
If you have any questions about your test results, question everything. Thank you for choosing Courtesy Abatement Labs for all of your testing needs.
Courtesy Abatement Labs