Jared Kushner’s Letter Home from Camp – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
Dear Mom, Dad, and the siblings who didn’t go to the women’s march,
White House Camp has been really fun so far. I got to go to Iraq (very hot!) and I even have the prettiest camp girlfriend, Ivanka T. Her dad is the boss and I get to give him a lot of advice. If you’ve heard of anything good that he’s done, it was because I suggested it!
The real bummer is that everyone is really mad at me now because I was trying to make friends with another camp, Camp-romot. I tried to set up some activities with myself and the Russian camp and now everyone is really steamed! I don’t get it — it’s not like I shared our Capture the Flag spots or Confederate History Treasure Hunt information or anything! Just a few national secrets!!! Can’t a guy try to make a few friends around here?
In arts and crafts I filled out a security form called an SF-86. I think I did a really good job — my Counselor Donald said I used good colors — but other counselors are saying that I “failed to disclose meetings with Russian operatives.” Whatever, I have a clay pinch pot in the kiln that will show them. A kiln is an oven for pottery and a place that Junior Counselor Bannon said he’d stick my head in if I messed things up for everyone. I like his jokes, even if I don’t get all of them.
I also got to be a jail guard in Capture the Flag. That’s the person that doesn’t let the other team save their teammates. The weird thing is that now I might have to spend five years in jail for my bad SF-86. Boy, do they take arts and crafts seriously here.
The boys’ cabin played a fun prank on the girls’ cabin. We took all of their pads and tampons and made them pay us to get them back. And we defunded Planned Parenthood. AND we have a pretty cool secret handshake. I’d show you, but it’s a secret, and people are, again, getting pretty mad that I’m bad at secrets. (I’ll show you when I come home).
It’s hard to get privacy around here. I’m surrounded by a bunch of older boys, which is pretty cool but it means that they’re always up in my biz. They’re mad because I didn’t tell anyone about phone calls to Kislyak (a guy from Camp-romot) but it’s like, stay outta my beeswax, guys!
I miss you a lot and can’t wait until you pick me up (soon right?). My swim test is tomorrow and I’m kinda nervous. Wish me везение (luck)!
— Jared “Shallow Throat” Kushner