Baby Name Guide: Updated for 2017 – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
From the Gaelic name Domhnall, which meant, until recently, “ruler of the world.” It now means “orange-faced pussy grabber who lost the popular vote by three million.” The name “Donald” has traditionally been very popular, but now you’d be better off naming your baby “Adolf.” Notable Donalds include Trump, and his intellectual superior, Duck.
This name previously meant “God is Gracious.” It now means “God Seriously Can Not Believe What the Fuck is Going On in the White House.” Another interpretation of “Ivanka” is “being complicit in something really bad for America without actually understanding the definition of complicit.” Famous Ivankas include President Trump’s wife (oops, we mean daughter) and probably some cats in Russia.
A Hebrew baby name that previously meant “rose.” The modern-day meaning is “pretty-faced rich nitwit up to his neck in Russian shit.” Prominent Jareds include Trump’s son-in-law, that guy from Subway Sandwiches currently incarcerated for being a pervert, and Academy Award-winner Leto, who we’ll give a pass to because he looks like hot Jesus.
Derived from the Greek, this name means “black,” which now describes the soul of anyone currently married to a Melania. Parents considering this name should know that baby Melania will never hold your hand or show any kind of facial expression. She will also live by herself in a tower in New York City until you force her to move.
A Greek name that meant “oath of God,” but now has come to mean “let’s advance God’s Kingdom through teaching kids that Jesus rode dinosaurs.” Noteworthy women with this name include Betsy Ross, a seamstress known for sewing the first American flag, and Betsy DeVos, a white lady known for being heckled outside public schools. Note: All babies given this name should also have a gun to protect themselves from grizzly bears.
An Irish name that means “gift from God,” which is how most comedians refer to one particularly spicy Sean. A popular nickname for Sean is, “Melissa McCarthy.” If you name your baby Sean, expect your infant to often make false statements and display combative behavior. Famous Seans include Sean Spicer, who is most likely unemployed as of this reading, and Sean Penn who also has anger issues unless he’s in a rescue boat.
A Slavic name meaning “rule,” it’s 2017 update is “I rule United States because I have videotape of schmuck name Donald who love hooker pee-pee.” Hobbies of most Vladimirs include chugging vodka, riding horses shirtless, rigging democratic elections, and murdering friends and family. You will always feel close to a baby Vladimir. Mostly because he has wiretapped your phones.
A combination of the Irish “Kelly,” meaning “war”, and the English “Anne,” meaning “gracious,” this name now means “acting gracious when staring vacantly at a cable news camera and blabbing about starting wars with other countries based on nothing but a giant toddler’s ego and his complete inability to grasp global politics.” Variations include “Kelliann,” “KelleeAn,” and “Decaying Barbie.”
Paul is derived from a Roman name meaning “small” or “humble” and “Ryan” is Irish for “little king.” When the names are combined, they now mean, “complete tool with a Napoleon complex and missing balls.” Paul Ryan is certainly a fine name to bestow upon your newborn son, however, be advised that within minutes of giving birth, he will cancel your health coverage.
Ancient name meaning “Satan” or “the Devil.” It has also recently become synonymous with “Steve Bannon.” While it’s trendy in 2017, this name is not recommended unless your child is born with six fingers on each hand, a pointy tail, and an overwhelming desire to dismantle the government via an out of shape puppet who smells like black mold and tweets on the toilet.