My Name is Mitch McConnell and I Owe Thanatos, the God of Death, 22 Million Human Souls – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

My Name is Mitch McConnell and I Owe Thanatos, the God of Death, 22 Million Human Souls – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Dear America,

My name is Mitch McConnell and I am the Majority Leader of the United States Senate. As you may have heard, the health care bill I secretly drafted would result in 22 million Americans losing their health care coverage. I understand your frustration with the bill, but you also have to understand my side of things. I’m in a serious bind here. I owe Thanatos, the God of Death, exactly 22 million human souls and he’s come to collect.

My relationship with the God of Death began as these things typically do: I met him at a Republican donor event. We bonded over our mutual love of back deals and being drunk with power. Before I knew it, I had agreed to trade 22 million human lives in exchange for a sizable donation to several GOP congressional candidates. I made a terrible deal from which I cannot be unbound.

Ah, jeeze. You’ve really done it this time, Mitchy. If this were one or two lives that I owed to the God of Death, I could close out my tab the old-fashioned way: by murdering a couple of my summer interns. But, this is 22 million lives we’re talking about. That’s a sizable portion of the country, so the only way I’m going to kill that many people is through cruel, heartless, and targeted legislation.

Look, I get it. I really wish I could present a reasonable, fiscally-conservative alternative to the Affordable Care Act. But, I promised a boat-load of lives to an angry, merciless demon-god of the underworld. That means I have to put forth a bill that’ll take healthcare away from poor people, disabled people, senior citizens, children, new mothers, and people hit hard by the opioid crisis. The streets must run red with blood for the pact to be complete. America shall be one big graveyard and then Thanatos will be pleased.

I wish there were another way, I really do. I’ve read many health care proposals from conservative think tanks that would provide a tax break to the wealthiest Americans while also providing coverage to those who need it. I could easily pass any of those bills with enough bipartisan support in the House and Senate. But, those bills won’t provide me with the death count I need to escape the grip of Thanatos and his sinister bargain. Boy, oh boy. What a pickle I am in.

So, I’d ask that you please cut me a break. Stop calling your senators about how bad this bill is. Please stop writing articles about it too. I cannot afford to postpone things again. Thanatos grows impatient with every moment. Let this evil piece of legislation go to a vote so I can lift the pox on my house.

Sincerely,
Mitch McConnell
United States Senator, Obstructionist, Temporarily Bound to the God of Death

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/my-name-is-mitch-mcconnell-and-i-owe-thanatos-the-god-of-death-22-million-human-souls

Donald Trumps Signs the Declaration of Independence – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Donald Trumps Signs the Declaration of Independence – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Attempt #1

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Attempt #8

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/donald-trumps-signs-the-declaration-of-independence

This Coffee Shop Chooses Not to Have Wi-Fi – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

This Coffee Shop Chooses Not to Have Wi-Fi – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

The Wi-Fi password? Oh, I’m sorry, sir. We no longer have Wi-Fi. Our owners didn’t like how accessible internet made customers fixate so much on their laptops and phones. Instead, they wanted to foster an environment that encouraged customers to interact with each other. That’s what makes our coffee shop different! This is a place to disconnect and embrace a simpler time where the only “Snapchat” is an enjoyable conversation with a stranger about a photograph on the wall.

Sadly all of our framed photos were recently smashed by various angry customers, so I recommend grabbing one of these tiny icebreaker signs we have. Just place one in front of you on your table and when another customer sits near you, you two will have something to talk about right away. Each sign has a different engaging question like, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WOKE UP TOMORROW AND YOU WERE INVISIBLE? or IF YOU COULD BE ANY ANIMAL, LIVING OR DEAD, WHICH WOULD YOU BE? or HOW WOULD YOUR LIFE BE DIFFERENT IF THIS COFFEE SHOP HAD WI-FI LIKE EVERY OTHER ONE ON EARTH DOES? A lot of people pick that last one.

Along with the signs we have an optional buddy system. If you’d like, I can pair you up with someone who ordered the same drink as you, that way you already have something in common to talk about! Let’s see, you ordered a vanilla latte. That gentleman reading a book over there also got a vanilla latte. Unfortunately, he’s now being escorted out of the shop by Lugo, one of our “Interaction Agents,” since reading is a solitary activity and thus strictly forbidden. Don’t worry, that man won’t be hurt. We’d never do that! He’ll just be told that if he brings a book again, he will then be hurt.

Hurting counts as engaging with someone too, remember.

Now would you like to wait until someone else orders a vanilla latte? It might be a little while. People seem to be afraid of our shop. Any coffee shop that isn’t a Starbucks and also forces random people to converse, even those with crippling social anxiety and those that have taken crippling vows of silence, seems to make potential customers wary.

It’s odd to me. Do people not want to find and get to know new people? “Meeting under duress or not, a new friend is a new friend.” That’s the motto we have right there on our wall, but please don’t read it now or Lugo will have to throw you out. That’s what makes our coffee shop different!

Oh, you think you using your internet device would actually help you interact with people here? I guess in principle that might be true. You and a stranger could go from website to website, condemning and hissing at them as digital demons promoting anti-social tendencies like my bosses do on work retreats. Regardless, there’s no Wi-Fi to be had here!

You have your own Wi-Fi hotspot? I’m sorry to say that won’t work. See this coffee shop lies inside of a Faraday cage, an enclosure used to block and eliminate electromagnetic waves. Those conductive metal bars surrounding the building aren’t just an aesthetic choice, they keep us inside of a bubble that technology forgot and only the Amish remember. If you have any questions about the Faraday cage, grab the “What’s the deal with this Faraday cage thing?” sign and work it out with someone during a meaningful conversation.

Ultimately, we just want everybody to take a few moments out of their day to disconnect from the internet and reconnect with humanity. Is there truly anything wrong with that?

Anyway, here’s your vanilla latte. Just open your mouth and I’ll pour it in. Yeah, we don’t have Wi-Fi or cups. That’s what makes our coffee shop different! Not different in a good way, but different nonetheless.

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/this-coffee-shop-chooses-not-to-have-wi-fi

Baby Name Guide: Updated for 2017 – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Baby Name Guide: Updated for 2017 – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Donald

From the Gaelic name Domhnall, which meant, until recently, “ruler of the world.” It now means “orange-faced pussy grabber who lost the popular vote by three million.” The name “Donald” has traditionally been very popular, but now you’d be better off naming your baby “Adolf.” Notable Donalds include Trump, and his intellectual superior, Duck.

Ivanka

This name previously meant “God is Gracious.” It now means “God Seriously Can Not Believe What the Fuck is Going On in the White House.” Another interpretation of “Ivanka” is “being complicit in something really bad for America without actually understanding the definition of complicit.” Famous Ivankas include President Trump’s wife (oops, we mean daughter) and probably some cats in Russia.

Jared

A Hebrew baby name that previously meant “rose.” The modern-day meaning is “pretty-faced rich nitwit up to his neck in Russian shit.” Prominent Jareds include Trump’s son-in-law, that guy from Subway Sandwiches currently incarcerated for being a pervert, and Academy Award-winner Leto, who we’ll give a pass to because he looks like hot Jesus.

Melania

Derived from the Greek, this name means “black,” which now describes the soul of anyone currently married to a Melania. Parents considering this name should know that baby Melania will never hold your hand or show any kind of facial expression. She will also live by herself in a tower in New York City until you force her to move.

Betsy

A Greek name that meant “oath of God,” but now has come to mean “let’s advance God’s Kingdom through teaching kids that Jesus rode dinosaurs.” Noteworthy women with this name include Betsy Ross, a seamstress known for sewing the first American flag, and Betsy DeVos, a white lady known for being heckled outside public schools. Note: All babies given this name should also have a gun to protect themselves from grizzly bears.

Sean

An Irish name that means “gift from God,” which is how most comedians refer to one particularly spicy Sean. A popular nickname for Sean is, “Melissa McCarthy.” If you name your baby Sean, expect your infant to often make false statements and display combative behavior. Famous Seans include Sean Spicer, who is most likely unemployed as of this reading, and Sean Penn who also has anger issues unless he’s in a rescue boat.

Vladimir

A Slavic name meaning “rule,” it’s 2017 update is “I rule United States because I have videotape of schmuck name Donald who love hooker pee-pee.” Hobbies of most Vladimirs include chugging vodka, riding horses shirtless, rigging democratic elections, and murdering friends and family. You will always feel close to a baby Vladimir. Mostly because he has wiretapped your phones.

Kellyanne

A combination of the Irish “Kelly,” meaning “war”, and the English “Anne,” meaning “gracious,” this name now means “acting gracious when staring vacantly at a cable news camera and blabbing about starting wars with other countries based on nothing but a giant toddler’s ego and his complete inability to grasp global politics.” Variations include “Kelliann,” “KelleeAn,” and “Decaying Barbie.”

Paul Ryan

Paul is derived from a Roman name meaning “small” or “humble” and “Ryan” is Irish for “little king.” When the names are combined, they now mean, “complete tool with a Napoleon complex and missing balls.” Paul Ryan is certainly a fine name to bestow upon your newborn son, however, be advised that within minutes of giving birth, he will cancel your health coverage.

Lucifer

Ancient name meaning “Satan” or “the Devil.” It has also recently become synonymous with “Steve Bannon.” While it’s trendy in 2017, this name is not recommended unless your child is born with six fingers on each hand, a pointy tail, and an overwhelming desire to dismantle the government via an out of shape puppet who smells like black mold and tweets on the toilet.

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/baby-name-guide-updated-for-2017